Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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