Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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