My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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