What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
