I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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