I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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