you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
