I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
