Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
