I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
