Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
