i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
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So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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