It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
