the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
