You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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