my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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