Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
