No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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