i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
