i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Randomize
