I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
