I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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