i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
