Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You may now shotgun with the bride
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
