We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
