I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My cat gives me a boner
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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