i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
