Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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