Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
