I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
