She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
