They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
