Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
