Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
