Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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