she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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