she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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