omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
