thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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