I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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