i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
