so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what day is it and did you see me today?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
