see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
