saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
