every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
