I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
