dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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