You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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