Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
