I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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