Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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